Webster defines an apology as an admittance of regret or failure, acknowledging that although you may have done what was best for you or what you knew to do, you later realize that you could have handled things better.
My apology is to "YOU"! You is any friend I have witnessed experiencing hurt, any friend I have witnessed dealing with any mental health incongruency, any friend I have not helped. Know that I see you, I may even try to help although not always effective. Know that I have questioned myself. I have asked myself how I can ever return to my professional arena if I can't help you. How can I help others if I didn't even know you engaged in self harming behaviors. Why didn't I call and visit more to check in on you. Why didn't I notice the large amount of time you stayed in the house. Why didn't my intuition kick in. Your life was on the edge and I was nowhere to be found. To caught up in my own world dealing with my own demons. When I saw you that day I knew something wasn't right but I didn't push the issue. I saw the physical manifestation of your sadness but I pulled away and said nothing because you said nothing and I didn't want to pry. Later we realized that you saw sadness in me and said nothing. People think it's easy to confront friends when they are going through things but it's not always that way. Friendships are so delicate and so precious that sometimes like flowers we do nothing but admire their beauty. And you, I missed the depression you went through. For some I didn't miss it, I just didn't know what to do, how to help. It's so different when the person you need to help is someone you love and not just a client sent to you by referral and that you know nothing about. I don't know if I should be therapist or friend. I don't know if I should push the issue or give you space. This is why doctors aren't allowed to operate on family. This is why I was taught to never treat someone I had a personal relationship with. I knew some of the struggle you have with comparison and I feel bad as a therapist, as a friend for even saying things like at least you have xyz. I just wanted you to be happy. I misread so many instances as ungratefulness when that wasn't even what it was. I stared at many comments not knowing how to respond. I avoided so many conversations bc I felt hopeless as how to help, bc I had something happy to share but was unsure how to share because I didn't want you to feel bad. I wanted to push the issue to dive in head first but I knew my emotional limitations and none of my suggestions or advice was helping which only frustrated me. I was upset that I couldn't seem to "fix it". Not knowing how to balance wanting to help with needing to keep myself from depression caused me many days of silence. In some ways I failed you. I wanted to do an intervention, I wanted to slap the people who shamed you. I wanted to fix everything. I needed you to be happy. Not out of selfishness but out of survival. Silently I realized despite my profession, despite the years we've been friends, despite the need I had and desire I had...I couldn't fix it. I prayed and left it in God's hand. I didn't know what would happen I didn't know when He would move but I believed......
I apologize to every friend who once told me that they knew there were things going on with me and they never reached out and now wished they had. I apologize because I never understood what that meant, I never fully understood why that was but now I do. See God does this thing with me where I have moments of not being empathetic or sympathetic because I would never...and then he puts me in those situations and I am humbled. See many times when my friends would say I thought you were dealing with...but I just never reached out or I wanted to reach out but you were in a negative space....but now I'm glad you're better. I would just smile and nod yet i was thinking wow, how could they not reach out to me. But now I know. See now that I'm back in Alabama...the place I told God I would never be lol I have a lot of time to reflect. I understand those friends in a way I have never understood them before because now I am that friend and I apologize.
No comments:
Post a Comment