Ever since I have been in the therapist role people have always complimented me on how empathetic I was, how I was so down to earth and nothing like they had expected or previously experienced. I never knew how to respond because I was simply treating others as I would want to be treated. I didn't see them as their problems and I wanted nothing more than to help them. I went into my first job breaking rules. I helped the girls with their hair, I paid for things out of pocket, I talked to them one on one. See no one who worked in an office unattached to the daily lives of these girls could tell me that having a girl walking around with low self esteem due to her hair looking unkempt was appropriate just because the non clinical people feared that she would become sexually aroused by someone teaching them the things their mothers are supposed to. You know the mothers who for whatever reason weren't there. I would soon find out that this "helping field" I had entered was more like a game of paperwork; atleast the lane I was in. I found myself becoming more of a writer than a helper, more a deadline maker than a therapist, more of a case manager than a counselor...and I hated it. From my first job in residential I was told that I wasn't going to do well in this field because I didn't know how to play the game. I voiced my opinion to much, I cared about the resident to much, I was to attached. Instead of coming in accepting status quo I wanted to know why the issues that were so obvious and influential to the treatment of the clients we cared about were not being addressed.
Fast forward 6 years, atleast 4 different employers, 2 different cities and I was still being told the same thing. Still expected to play the numbers game, still expected to work without the security of my check being available to me on payday. Still expected to provide therapy when I myself needed the resources I was providing the clients. I needed to know about foodbanks, I needed to know about utility payment assistance, I needed my passion back. Slowly I saw myself becoming the very worker I hated. Someone who in session only focused on what I would write in my note, only focusing on why I had to overload my caseload to make rent payments from a check that may or may not be there. I found myself being verbally abused by employers with no sense of what to do. I had learned the game, I had learned all about the system, I knew the business inside and out but now I was considered a threat. "Just because you know all this information doesn't mean we need you." "Oh you think you're better than me because you have a Masters degree don't you." Actual statements made by supervisors and mentors.
Fast forward to 2015 I'm back in a place I said I would never be...Alabama. I am in a state of sadness I just can't shake. Could this be depression? I mean how did I get here, it's like a bad car accident and the last thing I remember was going to court because I couldn't make rent. Someone who worked 2 jobs couldn't make rent. I hated my field. I hated the people I had met in the field minus like 5. I hated that I had settled for this field. I hated that I didn't care about people anymore. I didn't have the patience or the empathy, the care or the fire I once had.
God is this the path for my life? Seriously! Did I go through all that schooling and all that life experience to be a stay at home mom. Has life made me compassion-less? Has life jaded me? The one who was going to save the world. The one who took the struggles of others on her shoulders and neglected herself to fix others. I would spend hours listening to people with the intent of helping them now I try a few times and after that I just let it be what it will be. I mean I have my own issues to deal with. Did I actually think that? This isn't my mind...where am I? Now I see my timeline of things I would once care about and I shake my head. I can't deal...I put my phone away.
Fast forward to 2016 I am out of the depression ALL PRAISES TO GOD!!! I have vented to my friends, my husband and my God. I have prayed and He has restored me. But I still have a lingering question...what is my professional destiny? It's clear I love to help people, that fire is still burning but I just don't see myself going back to 1 on 1 therapy. Emotionally I feel to fragile, I feel to vulnerable, Professionally I can't go through what I went through again it was to traumatic. Through prayer and networking God sent a business coach my way and I was able to realize that my experiences were all a part of God's plan for my life. My purpose, who I am called to be. Everyone has a purpose, everyone is a purpose and when you speak it outloud you just know that's it. When I spoke my purpose. I realized it was something I had desired to do before but due to fear I had never pursued it. How many thing are we missing out on due to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making less money, fear of failing. For every person, every therapist, every man, every woman know that everything we go through in life is for a divine purpose and that you are a purpose. If you dont know that purpose I challenge you to take the time to find it. If you know it I challenge you to develop a plan to achieve it and if you have a plan I challenge you to DO! BE! LIVE! INSPIRE! CHANGE!
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