Open Apology

An apology to my friends:

Webster defines an apology as an admittance of regret or failure, acknowledging that although you may have done what was best for you or what you knew to do, you later realize that you could have handled things better. 

My apology is to "YOU"! You is any friend I have witnessed experiencing hurt, any friend I have witnessed dealing with any mental health incongruency, any friend I have not helped. Know that I see you, I may even try to help although not always effective. Know that I have questioned myself. I have asked myself how I can ever return to my professional arena if I can't help you. How can I help others if I didn't even know you engaged in self harming behaviors. Why didn't I call and visit more to check in on you. Why didn't I notice the large amount of time you stayed in the house. Why didn't my intuition kick in. Your life was on the edge and I was nowhere to be found. To caught up in my own world dealing with my own demons. When I saw you that day I knew something wasn't right but I didn't push the issue. I saw the physical manifestation of your sadness but I pulled away and said nothing because you said nothing and I didn't want to pry. Later we realized that you saw sadness in me and said nothing. People think it's easy to confront friends when they are going through things but it's not always that way. Friendships are so delicate and so precious that sometimes like flowers we do nothing but admire their beauty. And you, I missed the depression you went through. For some I didn't miss it, I just didn't know what to do, how to help. It's so different when the person you need to help is someone you love and not just a client sent to you by referral and that you know nothing about. I don't know if I should be therapist or friend. I don't know if I should push the issue or give you space. This is why doctors aren't allowed to operate on family. This is why I was taught to never treat someone I had a personal relationship with. I knew some of the struggle you have with comparison and I feel bad as a therapist, as a friend for even saying things like at least you have xyz. I just wanted you to be happy. I misread so many instances as ungratefulness when that wasn't even what it was. I stared at many comments not knowing how to respond. I avoided so many conversations bc I felt hopeless as how to help, bc I had something happy to share but was unsure how to share because I didn't want you to feel bad. I wanted to push the issue to dive in head first but I knew my emotional limitations and none of my suggestions or advice was helping which only frustrated me. I was upset that I couldn't seem to "fix it". Not knowing how to balance wanting to help with needing to keep myself from depression caused me many days of silence. In some ways I failed you. I wanted to do an intervention, I wanted to slap the people who shamed you. I wanted to fix everything. I needed you to be happy. Not out of selfishness but out of survival. Silently I realized despite my profession, despite the years we've been friends, despite the need I had and desire I had...I couldn't fix it. I prayed and left it in God's hand. I didn't know what would happen I didn't know when He would move but I believed......

I apologize to every friend who once told me that they knew there were things going on with me and they never reached out and now wished they had. I apologize because I never understood what that meant, I never fully understood why that was but now I do. See God does this thing with me where I have moments of not being empathetic or sympathetic because I would never...and then he puts me in those situations and I am humbled. See many times when my friends would say I thought you were dealing with...but I just never reached out or I wanted to reach out but you were in a negative space....but now I'm glad you're better. I would just smile and nod yet i was thinking wow, how could they not reach out to me. But now I know. See now that I'm back in Alabama...the place I told God I would never be lol I have a lot of time to reflect. I understand those friends in a way I have never understood them before because now I am that friend and I apologize.

Background Info (couldn't think of a title)

Ever since I have been in the therapist role people have always complimented me on how empathetic I was, how I was so down to earth and nothing like they had expected or previously experienced. I never knew how to respond because I was simply treating others as I would want to be treated. I didn't see them as their problems and I wanted nothing more than to help them. I went into my first job breaking rules. I helped the girls with their hair, I paid for things out of pocket, I talked to them one on one. See no one who worked in an office unattached to the daily lives of these girls could tell me that having a girl walking around with low self esteem due to her hair looking unkempt was appropriate just because the non clinical people feared that she would become sexually aroused by someone teaching them the things their mothers are supposed to. You know the mothers who for whatever reason weren't there. I would soon find out that this "helping field" I had entered was more like a game of paperwork; atleast the lane I was in. I found myself becoming more of a writer than a helper, more a deadline maker than a therapist, more of a case manager than a counselor...and I hated it. From my first job in residential I was told that I wasn't going to do well in this field because I didn't know how to play the game. I voiced my opinion to much, I cared about the resident to much, I was to attached. Instead of coming in accepting status quo I wanted to know why the issues that were so obvious and influential to the treatment of the clients we cared about were not being addressed. 

Fast forward 6 years, atleast 4 different employers, 2 different cities and I was still being told the same thing. Still expected to play the numbers game, still expected to work without the security of my check being available to me on payday. Still expected to provide therapy when I myself needed the resources I was providing the clients. I needed to know about foodbanks, I needed to know about utility payment assistance, I needed my passion back. Slowly I saw myself becoming the very worker I hated. Someone who in session only focused on what I would write in my note, only focusing on why I had to overload my caseload to make rent payments from a check that may or may not be there. I found myself being verbally abused by employers with no sense of what to do. I had learned the game, I had learned all about the system, I knew the business inside and out but now I was considered a threat. "Just because you know all this information doesn't mean we need you." "Oh you think you're better than me because you have a Masters degree don't you." Actual statements made by supervisors and mentors. 

Fast forward to 2015 I'm back in a place I said I would never be...Alabama. I am in a state of sadness I just can't shake. Could this be depression? I mean how did I get here, it's like a bad car accident and the last thing I remember was going to court because I couldn't make rent. Someone who worked 2 jobs couldn't make rent. I hated my field. I hated the people I had met in the field minus like 5. I hated that I had settled for this field. I hated that I didn't care about people anymore. I didn't have the patience or the empathy, the care or the fire I once had. 

God is this the path for my life? Seriously! Did I go through all that schooling and all that life experience to be a stay at home mom. Has life made me compassion-less? Has life jaded me? The one who was going to save the world. The one who took the struggles of others on her shoulders and neglected herself to fix others. I would spend hours listening to people with the intent of helping them now I try a few times and after that I just let it be what it will be. I mean I have my own issues to deal with. Did I actually think that? This isn't my mind...where am I? Now I see my timeline of things I would once care about and I shake my head. I can't deal...I put my phone away. 

Fast forward to 2016 I am out of the depression ALL PRAISES TO GOD!!! I have vented to my friends, my husband and my God. I have prayed and He has restored me. But I still have a lingering question...what is my professional destiny? It's clear I love to help people, that fire is still burning but I just don't see myself going back to 1 on 1 therapy. Emotionally I feel to fragile, I feel to vulnerable, Professionally I can't go through what I went through again it was to traumatic. Through prayer and networking God sent a business coach my way and I was able to realize that my experiences were all a part of God's plan for my life. My purpose, who I am called to be. Everyone has a purpose, everyone is a purpose and when you speak it outloud you just know that's it. When I spoke my purpose. I realized it was something I had desired to do before but due to fear I had never pursued it. How many thing are we missing out on due to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of making less money, fear of failing. For every person, every therapist, every man, every woman know that everything we go through in life is for a divine purpose and that you are a purpose. If you dont know that purpose I challenge you to take the time to find it. If you know it I challenge you to develop a plan to achieve it and if you have a plan I challenge you to DO! BE! LIVE! INSPIRE! CHANGE!